Wednesday, November 14, 2007

All These Thorns in All These Sides

This is not easy. If you think faith is easy, if you look and assume it is easy for me, or perhaps instead of easy, shallow, or in denial, or anger stuffed down, or guilt worshipped, then you've got it all wrong. Right now I am so angry: angry, angry, angry at losses and injustices tossed at me, and at my own failures to reflect what I believe. And I am lonely. Gut-wrenchingly lonely for that home that I lost in that person that broke. And every night guilt is riding my ass so that I can't sleep until late and wake early before the sun is up, worrying. But I see these things. This kind of love is not blind. Do you think it is easy or convenient to find God in this shit? To trust that there is Love when it all feels grey and loveless? And to continue to allow that Love to be enough? Or, if you think that because it is hard, so. damn. hard that it can't be right, then you've forgotten about giving birth, or being in love, or watching someone die, or raising a child. It's all damn hard. Difficult does not equal wrong.
Just remind my ranting heart of that, will you?
This is not easy.
I'm not going to lie.
Or pretend.
Today, faith is hard.

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