Men, I'm here to tell you some things - things that I think we would all be grateful if you knew.
So, I'm shopping for lingerie with my older sister, Caroline, who, incidentally, is super hot and super fit, and as she's waiting in line to have this pink and black lacy thing with straps and belts and bows and garters size checked, this older man (somewhere in his seventies) comes up to her and says, "Um, excuse me, but my wife is about your size and I'm looking to get her some panties. What size are you?"
Okay, so, obviously there needs to be some clarification here.
Dear, dear men,
#1. Do not, under any circumstances, ask any woman SHOPPING in a lingerie store any question. Not even the time. This is not the place for small talk between the sexes.
#2. Never, ever, ever tell a woman in her mid thirties that she's the same size as your seventy year old wife, even if you are a lucky enough man for that to be true.
#3. Do not appear comfortable in a lingerie store, even if you are. It's kind of creepy.
#4. Do not hold up an item and then hold it out in front of a female shopper to size it up for your wife.
#5. Feel free to hold it up to yourself to size it up.
#6. Buy what you like. Really. Go wild. Just don't expect me not to break into fits of school girl giggles, or at least blush uncontrollably when you do.
#7. Do not forget that sex is funny. Nudity is funny. Orgasms are funny. No amount of satin or garters or black leather boots should conceal the fact that sex is a laugh riot.
#8. NEVER, NEVER underestimate the power of a good old fashioned, jaw dropping, eye bulging, "Holy smokes. You are so beautiful," when your wife wears what you got her. Really. Never.
Now, go get sexed up for the holidays in ease.