Friday, December 19, 2008

I Like Men

If ever I wondered, I now know for sure that I do not lean in the lesbian manner. I've been meaning to tell you all about this for awhile, but, you know, life's been ridiculously busy and since my sexual orientation is pretty well established, I didn't really think it a burning matter. But still, I wanted to tell you: I'm not gay. I know I'm not gay because my book club, which is one of the most fantastic book clubs in the world and full of ladies I really, really like, read Middlesex by Jeffery Eugenides last month, and I'm pretty sure I can attribute my dream of having sex with a woman from that book, and let me tell you- it did nothing for me. Random sex with a random woman. Nope. Didn't like it. Now I know.

Actually, I tell you all this because the book, which is basically the story of a person caught in the middle of their sexuality - a hermaphrodite - has some of the most amazing writing I have ever read in the first half. Seriously, the artistry in the beginning section is breathtaking (the second part, not so much, but you want to forgive it because the first part is so amazing). But all of us ladies sitting around discussing gender and sexuality after reading it was also pretty incredible. What's that famous quote - the one directed at woman to live the way the men they want to marry live? Shoot. I can't remember. But the thing is this: One of the women at our group said she had been to a women's retreat once, and one of the exercises they were told to do was to imagine their entire day from the beeping of their alarm, to when they crawled into bed at night, but to imagine how it would look if they were men instead. I don't know if the fact that imagining myself as a man feels like incredible freedom means that women's equality has a long way to go, or just that I have a very bad imagination of what it's like to be a man, but I'll tell you this: when my life begins to shrink on me, and it feels as though it has become this clearly marked path of uninspired predictability and monochrome routine, I imagine what a man in my position would do, and all of a sudden I see a way out, and it's good.

It's true. I have a shaky history with men in my life. The exact words, "Boys are better than girls," were said to me pretty regularly growing up, and I still feel the almost unrestrainable urge to defend my worth at times, but really, overall, I love being a girl. I love kissing boys, and actually, it feels like some kind of perfection to know that maybe I do need men - to teach me some of the things the ladies have missed out on, like how to say, "Awwwww, fuck it," with gusto, shrug off the the nastiness, be brave in that different way than women are brave, hold power without fear of offending, shower less, be kind, ride a bike with no hands.
That would be nice.


Sandy's Notes said...

Finding our sexuality and being comfortable with it is comforting. I went to dinner last week with five girlfriends; haven't done that for a while since dropping out of society. Anyway, after giggling and having the girl conversations we are all so capable of, I learned that three of us out of five have had sexual relations with another woman! The conversation started because one of my other friends can't make up her mind if she prefers being with a man or a woman. I told the girls that I didn't get it? The conculsion was with everyone at dinner was that we prefered men, but most of us had made that choice by experience. This was big news to me!

I should try the idea of imagining to be a man, just to see if I can see my world a little differently. Good post Angela. By the way, if I don't get the chance to wish you a Merry Christmas, I hope your holiday is wonderful.

Angela said...

i've had those conversations, too, but the funny things is that in my case when we were talking sex everyone was more aghast that i had waited until i was married to have sex then the whole experiment with a woman thing. really. their jaws DROPPED: "What if he was bad in bed and you would have been stuck with him forever?"
i LOVE sex talks with girls. especially when faith comes into the conversation in conjunction with the sex. i get so darn tired of all the secrecy, you know?

Angela said...

oh! and merry christmas to you, too, sandy!

cecily said...

another reason why we have to meet up and have these kind of talks one day. heaven maybe?

i told an 18 year old girl who had a 2 year old daughter and didn't know who the father was about not having sex till i was married. she just didn't get it. being a small town here i occasionally bump into her and she still looks at me strangely.

but that isn't what your post was about. hmmm, i prefer men too, but sometimes i wonder if my faith wasn't part of the picture if i might not have experimented... don't know. but i haven't and i won't so it's a mute point i guess.

Angela said...

no way. we'll meet up before we're dead.
i have a doozer of a sex post i need to write. i've been putting it off for a variety of good/bad reasons, but it's cooking. it's coming. it'll be good.